The Personal Court Jester

I first had inklings about this kind of occupation when I heard about the people who make a living folding the clothes of others, and choosing their wardrobes. When I heard how much money they were making, I was like "Omg wtf? These people are making more money than I do at my own job!"

I would become a personal folder/wardrobe chooser, but the problem is that I don't really give a shit about either of those activities. Someone suggested that perhaps I may become a personal egg purchaser. A person who buys you only the eggs that he or she knows you will like. When the employee at the grocery slants over to ask why you are shaking each and every egg, you get to pull out your license and shove it in his or her face. "Personal Egg Purchaser, man."

Sadly, I managed to get into a perfect relationship with a vegan just before she was killed in a freak rollercoaster accident (no -- she was actually with some other freak -- they were both killed simultaneously) so I can't deal with eggs.

I tried to think about what it is that I enjoy doing best. I know how to draw things, and I also know how to make computer codes. But that is what I already do, so that wouldn't work. I tried to think harder. "I could be a personal cigarette smoker," I thought. "I'd smoke the cigarettes of people quitting." Then it hit me. I jumped for joy and did a glee dance. Don't ask what a glee dance is, interpreted by me. You really, really don't want to know.

The thing was, I enjoyed being funny. I would always walk into the strangest situations, and say the most bizarre things. I craved the laughter of the audience (and even the actors around me). This seed slowly built up inside my brain. There would be difficulties, of course: 1) Nobody has ever laughed at any of my jokes, except in jest. 2) What kind of business card would I possibly have? 3) Will they really pay me $1600/hour for this shit?

Yet, the benefits seemed so ripe. I'd be very personal -- this means that I would just magically appear whenever or wherever needed. Like, a guy is on a date with a girl, she says something witty, and he doesn't know how to respond. This is where I appear (I'm only ever seen by my clients) and whisper a response into his ear that he can use as a comeback. I'm basically like some kind of fucking genie.

This will take me places. I'll be there when surfers try to mock the oncoming wave. I can be there during their first-ever blood transfusions. I can even be there at your fucking birth, when you first come into the world with nary a joke up your sleeve.