Friday, June 24, 2016

Secession (Cessation)

I'm leaving now,
withdrawing from our (w)hole.
No stated plan,
but bound to rules of exeunt.

For 2(?) years this may hurt a lot.

My peeps felt gray, and they say
it's not just 'cos our weather.
There was a lack of agency.
Everything we believe was not spoken loud enough, or heard.

For 2(?) years this may hurt a lot, eventually things will be the same again.

Once, I made you my colonies,
my pals, my droogs, my best friends under me.
Now I'm leaving you because
you've rushed into me so frighteningly.

For 2(?) years this may hurt a lot, eventually things will be the same again. I'll still have my troubles with money. Still feel I'm not in control. And you'll still be rushing into me.

As I wander away, my feet begin leaving grasp.
Cessation of sensation, as though floating up a staircase
into space, ignoring laws of gravity
so as to ascend in a straight upward line.

For 2(?) years this may hurt a lot, eventually things will be the same again. I'll still have my troubles with money. Still feel I'm not in control. And you'll still be rushing into me. But now I'm ascending like the slant of the largest pyramid in the universe, there is a cessation of oxygen induced worry, and I can finally convince myself, once again, that the world is actually a flat 2D plane.

Friday, June 3, 2016

An Anime Idea (Part 2)


"Well," said Dr. Chesterfield, staring intently back at Kurimosoda--the kind of stare that appears to be meeting your eyes, but is actually extending its phantom limbs beyond to pick apart and study your mind, "there is certainly something wrong with you." His inspection ceased suddenly and he gathered his pen to make some notes. "But it is not anything to do with your body. You're perfectly fit, physically."

"What are you writing there?" asked Kuri, trying to peer over the doctor's concealing arm, but the notes had already been written, and the pad secreted away into a coat pocket.

"Nothing, just some notes. I'm going to ask you to see--"

"A therapist. Right? I knew it. Look, this wasn't easy for me. I've tried to be truthful, and as hone--"

"No, no, you don't understand. I am referring to you to a colleague of mine, a specialist."

Kuri stared back at the doctor, in parts with distrust, in parts with distrust. And wholly burning with pain. "What kind of specialist?"

The doctor appeared to think for a moment before answering. "A--special one," he said, calmly.

"What?" Kuri exploded.

The doctor was still calm, but something uneven was surfacing in his voice and demeanor. Not fear or nervousness, but some kind of uncertainty, a tinge of anxiety. "You see, Mr. Akahoshi, you're not the first person to tell me this type of tale this week.

"A girl, calling herself Gushiken Arata," Chesterfield reviewed his special notebook, "also claims that she is hurting, just like you."

"Probably not just like me," explained Kuri quickly, but Chesterfield was too fast.

"Exactly like you," he said. "YOU ARE THE SAME!"


An Anime Idea (Part 1)

My name is  Akahoshi Kurimusoda, or Kuri, for short. I have an unusual secret that I am now compelled to disclose. It is a secret about a non-standard trait within my family--in particular, my more immediate family. The trait persists in members about two circles out, that is, my grandparents, parents and siblings, first cousins, and immediate uncles and aunts.

The trait involves the distribution of burden over adverse effects to those in the family most equipped to handle them. How it works is like this: Say a person in the family has a toothache. They of course, feel the effects of the malady, but they are only burdened to the extent that they, as an individual, can successfully manage the pain. The remaining adverse effect is transmitted to the strongest person in the family, because they can handle it.

I want to reiterate the nature of the trait, so that it is clear to the mind. Say a family member cuts their finger badly in a kitchen knife accident; it's not that they don't feel the pain--they definitely feel it. But it doesn't become overbearing or overwhelming. Any excess burden is transferred over. And it is not distributed evenly; that would be an unsuccessful trait, because then you'd have a family where everyone is suffering slightly, which would be both stupid and unhealthy for the group as a whole. The entire family would be a bunch of miserable sods, and would likely not succeed very well in society. I imagine that somewhere in the past, things may have worked that way, but that such a nature was selectively weeded out. Instead, the adverse effect is transmitted directly and exclusively to the strongest person.

And I am the strongest one in my family. Before I learned about the trait myself, you can imagine I was a pretty miserable bastard. I'd whine, complain. I'd bitch and generally sport a curmudgeonly disposition with everyone. People thought that that was just who I am--that I was genuinely just a suffering and insufferable jackass. Of course they had no idea how confusing it can be, to suddenly experience a burning sensation upon your finger, or a crushing pressure upon your molar. An interesting aspect of this trait is that it even involves psychosomatic adversities. So yeah, that one birthday where my parents threw this massive party, and all my friends came over, lots of presents; I was a pouting little shit at that party, and I wasn't just crying because I wanted to. It was because my older sister had secretly broken up with her boyfriend and was experiencing the torment of love lost like only a teenager can.

However, that was a long time ago. I was secretly told about the trait by my paternal grandfather, at his deathbed, when I was fourteen. It was kind of like a rite of passage, sort of, but he also had let me know about it as a warning, or matter of note. To help me deal with it, and to give me perspective. Grandfather then passed away with relative ease, and I was, of course, left in a coma for about three weeks (besides this arcane knowledge, grandfather also passed over the excess adversities involved with his death to me).

But when I finally came to, it was a little like being reborn. Because I now knew what was happening, I found myself able to start coping with the problem. If I were to suddenly experience a sharp pain in my stomach, it was probably because I was helping someone in my family with a digestive issue. Or, there was a time when inexplicable and overwhelming sensations of panic came over me, and I later found out that a little cousin had suffered intense fear as he sat for an important exam in school. Because I absorbed the excesses of his fear, my cousin was able to overcome it, and successfully complete the exam.

In fact, I began to realize that the trait even has its plus points for me. If I ever experience anything inexplicably bad, odds are that someone close and important to me is in trouble and may need help. I can come over and help, I can intervene and stop their suffering; and this is extremely rewarding for me, personally. It's not that I'm a selfless do-gooder, or some kind of sponge for adversity bullets (well, literally, I suppose I am). It's just that I am pretty strong. I still curse a lot. I'm still pretty insufferable to everyone. Sometimes I crash pretty badly, ending up drunk in some alley or turning to look at the ashtray and realizing I've smoked a whole pack of ciggies in the space of an hour. My love life is a mess of papery tatters collected across spirals of thin wire, and I frequently offend the people I love most. But all of this is just my way of coping with everything that's heaped upon me, and if that's what it takes, I've come to find that I am fine with it. Hell, I was always a haphazard sort of kid, happily doing crazy stunts on my BMX, or skateboard, and all that; I guess now I'm just doing stunts with my psyche.

So I feel pretty centered these days, at least in terms of perspective. Well, at least until fairly recently. You know how I said earlier that because of this trait, I'm able to implicitly know when someone in my family is in trouble, or suffering? Well, for the past couple of weeks, I have been wracked with extreme burning sensations within my body. It is a full body sensation, not limited to any particular area or extremity. Seriously, I had worries that this was the precursor to spontaneous combustion or something. Anyway, I immediately got on the phone, chats, and scoured social networks to find out which one of my relatives was being affected. As I've said, knowing allows me to isolate and solve problems, or at the very least, provide comfort and kindness.

But as much as I investigated, I couldn't find anyone with a problem. Nobody in the family was having a bad time. This wasn't a cursory search, like a "Oh, just wanted to check in" thing. My methods, over the years, have become quite pervasive. Friends and colleagues are questioned, key figures are followed; garbage is run through. I even have a contact who will provide transcripts of phone calls and texts, if necessary. Despite all this, it seemed that everyone was okay. Suffering undetected. What the hell?

Finally, entertaining the unlikely possibility that there was actually something unwell with me this time, and that this malady was my own, I came here, to you. And you're telling me, doctor, that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me? Don't you fucking lie to me!