Sunday, October 24, 2010

Homeland Security Keeps Asking Me Who I am Going To Be For Halloween

This is a record of voicemails to my personal cellphone account:

Anon: Hi there, I'm Homeland Security. Just wanted to check in and discover who you are going to try to be this Halloween.

Me: [disconnect]

Anon: Hello again. Like I said, I am the security of your Homeland. This geographic boundary you call a 'home', and protect from all those gawd-awful evil-doers out there. Before you disconnect me again, try and think how this is going to look when it goes public. Look, all we want to know is what costume you will be wearing this Halloween.

Me: I am going as Kimbo Slice.

HS: Weak. All you'd have to do is shave your head and grow a beard. Surely you had had thoughts about going as a Vorlon Ambassador?

Me: Surely I did have such thoughts. But then I realized I don't have enough people willing to fit such a costume over me for little or no compensation. I also sometimes have thoughts that I could be a person talking on a cellphone that gets a call from 'Homeland Security'. And that that is actually a way for entire populations to feel really secure.

HS: You have fallen into my trap.

Me: No, *you* are going to fall deep into *my* trap.

HS: No you will

Me: Fuck you and come back when you grow a respectable face.

HS: I'm telling the Fatherland!

Me: Are we on mauve alert yet?
The call gets disconnected here, because HS didn't pay enough bills to its pay-to-go service plan.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Novel Hairstyle

‎'Common Intrusion Alert Process': You know, how in movies or tv, the father or mother wakes up to a 'sound in the house'. They ask each other questions. Then the leading parent finds a quick weapon, and they slowly begin to explore their own house like it is a haunted mansion or something. I've always wondered how much that happens in real life.

Jim: You speak to me as though this was a first-person experience.

Bill: Are you kidding me? This is third-person -- I only used the 'I' as a character in the novel.

Jim: Rubbish, you are back to your old habits again. Writing trite pieces that apparently describe *your* experience in the vain hope that you might, at some point, somehow, strike gold and spit out a piece that garners Universal Acceptance.

Bill: Some might say that a number of human works are, in fact, direct presentations of the artist, him or her self. That in translating a particular 'experience' or turn of events by directly locating oneself as a participant lends the works a sense of authenticity unparalleled by these 3rd-person utilizing, machine-generated products -- or, in other words, the type of vapid fiction that you generate. Anyway, all I said was that "I've always wondered how much that happens in real life." And to be very honest, I really do. I often wonder that. The rest of it was 3rd person.

Jim: So what happened? You were sitting there 'wondering', while these excuses for characters were inching down the staircase, in their nighties, with a bat?

Friday, October 15, 2010

GTA V Details

Q: GTA IV was based on New York City. What location should GTA 5 be based on?

Original Answer: Pyongang (good luck, Rockstar Games)

After further thought,

It should be Grand Theft Auto: Bicycle Edition

Bicycling seems to have become a popular activity these days. There now exist entire segments of population that cheer the bicycle as a more appreciable transportation method than your gas guzzling automobile.

Why not make a GTA game focusing on bikes to venerate this human behavior? Bicycle theft is nothing new - it has been happening since the BMXs of the 80s. Back then, if you had an awesome new bike, better than any of the other kids' bikes, you knew it was only a matter of time before someone would steal it. I bet a creative game designer could come up with tons of ideas to make such a game fun. The only real challenge would be for all players to virtually petition respective police departments in the real world to consider bicycle stealing a 'Grand Theft'.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

How I Truly Feel About the Product

at first apple the base whose thirst was flung not far from parch.
then patched again to entertain brains times twelve or thirteen.
how could they not fall into this gutter of ineptitude?
you think i'm all organic but i'm about destroying stupid ideas like you.

lets get less technopolitical.
your orifices were 'decent', last i was told.
told by a view that was educated by a sound,
your smell is known well in my compound.

how do algorithms react when interrupted?

of course i love i love i love i love you
we love all of you all of you and all of you
possibly want deeper relationships possibly want d







Friday, October 1, 2010

I just want a huge slab of Camembert on my lap right now.

Long gone are the times we made dry
jokes at expense of peers for
mispronouncing brie.

Inward dehydration,
yet outward it remains so supple;
I think I may have a whole new favorite cheese.

Our humor no longer has to be at expense of some lame other.
Now we just laugh for the sake of laughing itself.
This Sake of Laughing is

quite unlike the Sake of Murder, but close.
Everybody says to you, in that state, "Kill them. Kill them all."
You go back to how when you were a baby you could just make them all play dead.