Thursday, August 4, 2016

My Vision Is Star Stuff

I apologize in advance for all the spelling and grammatical errors. It was a long post, written fairly quickly.

I promise I'm not stealing this from J.M. Straczynski (learn, small children, learn: ( *Even before* yesterday's devastating post (, I was walking around, feeling a little bit like I might fall off at any time. This has been occurring for a couple of weeks now.
It's like, a strange weakness in the legs. Legs are fine, body is fine, but brain is worried about HP on the legs.

Unlike JMS, I I think I may have found my solution, though. See, I already knew that it was a kind of vision problem. A doctor had already warned me that in latter years, my vision could become an issue. Except, JMS is almost 90 (how else could he have been there when I was a child?), and I'm, like, barely 38.

The doctor (an ophthalmologist), had mentioned that I should start wearing sunglasses now, to prevent future disaster. She recommended some of the sunglasses available nearby. They were even in the same store.

Being wise for my age, I declined. "I haven't worn sunglasses since I was a teenager," I told her. "Not only do I lose sunglasses so easily to the point where they become pointless, but it was then that I realized I did not need such accoutrement in order to look cool.

I'm too cool to wear sunglasses," I said to this woman. Would it have made a difference if the ophthalmologist was a man? No. It's just that I'm too cool.

"You've become old," she replied. "Not as cool anymore. Trust me, wear them."

Today I was feeling the worst of not listening to advice. It *is* a vision problem. My brain *is* getting fucked by the sunlight due to my fucked up eyes. Then I came up with a solution.

I began walking around like the worst possible asshole in the universe. Seriously, I was walking around pretending I was Larry David. I began to imagine I was Larry David, walking around with round ass sunglasses. Now, if you saw me, you'd never see the resemblance. I mean--I have an ex-girlfriend who kind of looked like Larry David when she put on her sunglasses. But me? Nah. Totally not Larry David.

But I was. I was a total cynic at the entire world around me. I watched and observed everything:

"Why do we need 10 more Indian people on the street, these days? Does my presence not sufficiently cover the entire spectrum?"

"Is this what they call legs in New York, these days?"

"Do we really need more construction? What the fuck are these people installing? Some decent Internet for a change?

Seriously, why don't you take your fucking shitty big little drill and fuck off, unless you are installing real infrastructure."

"Who the fuck needs the Chelsea Hotel to be that shitty red?"

"The Sun is shit too. Better get the Hayden Planetarium et al. to update their program to reflect reality."

I was doing a quip per foot. And just like that I was okay. I was totally fine. I didn't feel like I was going to fall down.

"My legs don't need HP when they have full MP!"

It wasn't intense. It wasn't going to give me a heart attack. It was easy. It was always so easy to be a cynical little shit, that I had left it off when I was a teenager.

"I don't need fucking sunglasses. Because I can just *imagine* them", I laughed, later, at my eyes. I think they're still worried, though. "Forget watching the Cursed Child in the theater next year, fellas," I like to tease them, "we're going to be watching Braille". "Inspector Morse Code".

My eyes are like, "Please, please, please tell this motherfucker he's not a teenager anymore."