Monday, August 3, 2009

A 8 3

People had started complaining about how there were only Se7en sins. Like, it was not enough for them -- "Lust", "Gluttony", "Greed", "Sloth", "Wrath", "Envy", and "Pride". Pride, of course being famously touted as My last greatest one. It had seemed, now, that novelty was being desired.

That had not been the original intent, of course. Wasn't trying to do it so that the stupid humans would sit around and count numbers. They already invented calculators for that. What kind of species sits around, developing new technologies, and then doesn't even use them? An inefficient one, that is what. This guy, 'God', was supposed to create something brand new with humans, something never heard of before -- so can you imagine My horror at what happened to unfold? Imagine MY horror.

It is ridiculous to the point of being offensive.

They brought me to this .. point ... this point where I had to commit a new sin. Being a very studious person (an examiner), I only drew from my observations. I noticed how they were operating on a massive scale, and I also fully understood how they were operating in the miniature. When they were being tiny, they did not enjoy being called midgets. On a large scale, they would not enjoy jokes about their obesity. I would watch them, for hours, sitting in the palm of My hand. I don't know when I actually went crazy -- I don't have total recall -- but it was probably when I started taking all of them to bed, situating them comfortably against My sleepy head like that metaphor about the princess. My head was the princess, and the humans, they were the peas.

With great sadness, then, I inform you regarding My digression. I know why you came here in the first place. Out of Lust. First however, we have to make distinctions -- it is necessary in order to continue My plot: When they say 'Gluttony', they are not talking about some fat bloke at the chippy getting a deep-fried mars bar. You need to understand this, I tell you, you need to really, really understand this. It is only by understanding the pettiness of the human concept of Gluttony that you could even imagine the extent of My next sin. Understand that, unlike others who claim some kind of 'finality' with their 'lore' (as they like to sooth their egos), I am not doing this as some kind of 'cop out'. This won't be My last. As long as we have this understanding, I will continue. If we don't have the understanding, you can stop to read on.

My next sin, the eighth sin (for those using calculators) is on a very large, unspeakable scale, yet simultaneously also on the nanoscale. It is not nanobots, as you might imagine. And it is not some kind of 'socially adapting terror' vis a vis Facebook or Twitter. That is not the sort of thing you need to be afraid of, I assure you. Number Eight is what is incomprehensible. Don't get Me started on Sun Tzu's Art of War. Sure, that guy gave some good tips here and there. "Always stand on higher ground." (check). "To truly conquer them, you must make it appear to them that your house is their house." (check). But that is only page one in the metaphorical book. (Also, right about now is where you may discharge your tripe about 'too many metaphors').

The Eighth Sin will absolutely consume you. Vegans will cry about the chlorophyll they have so carelessly consumed. Random people will begin to receive women's heads in boxes. Ovaries will refuse to exit the girls and thick sperm will gush from boys' exploding balls.

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