Saturday, February 7, 2009

Monkey News: Cheating Monkey

More monkey news. (c. May 2006). For all Monkey News, see the 'monkey news' tag on the left, or click here.

Hope the weekend is going alright for everyone. Got some new monkey news. Sorry about the wait, but some servers crashed somewhere and I had to go Administer them.

This week's News comes from the social Scene. Got a mate who has another mate who's girlfriend's step-mother told him about this one. S'about this bloke, right, Dan. Dan works in the technical writing industry. You know, when you buy your iPod and get the manual an' all that, that's Dan there. Talking to you through the iPod manual. Those of you sad enough to open your Star Wars DVD and browse the menus to the actor biographies - that's Dan there. Faffin' to ya about some other bloke's life via his own personal soul.

So, Dan somehow lands himself a bird. He's all happy as larry, running around buying flowers and Cadbury chocolates every now and again. This is it, he says to to himself. She's the one.

This goes on for a couple of months. One night, when he gets a chance, he goes over to his mate Henry's house and they're sitting down, right, playing on Henry's Wii.

"I'll betcha she's seein' someone else" says Henry.

"Wot are you talking about, mate?" says Dan, waving Henry's Wii around.

"Just sayin', you know what I mean. They always do that."

"Bollocks. Stop it. I'm not letting this one go down the drain wiff that kind of paranoia nonsense" says Dan, throwing Henry's Wii on the floor. "I've had enough of you", he says, and walks out of Henry's apartment.


So, a couple of weeks later, Dan wakes up in bed. He turns, and Suzanne isn't there. "Hmm," he says to himself. "Must of gone down to get some breakfast." He puts his pants on, and walks down, and sure enough, there she is, eating some cereal.

"Alright luv" says Dan.

"Hey there," says Suzanne. "You got any fruit, Dan?"

"Fruit? Nah. Why?" He walks over and starts playing with her hair from behind.

"Just thought it'd be nice to eat these cocoa puffs with some banana" she says.

"Bananas?" says Dan, bringing his hands down upon her shoulders. He loves giving her a good massage. It feels good the way her body squirms under his hands. Even better when she moans softly in pleasure. "Give us a little moan" says Dan.

"Wot?" asks Suzanne, turning around.

"Nothing! Nothing!" says Dan, startled from his own trance wot he'd just induced his self into. "Just talking to myself, luv".

Suzanne shrugs his hands away and gets up. "I'm off. Going to Sainsbury's to buy some bananas."

"Why? What is this about bananas?" asks Dan.

"Fancy a man who's got cocoa puffs for cereal and no fucking bananas!" she yells back, and stomps out of the house.

So there's Dan, standing around. What the fuck, he wonders to himself. Bananas? He tries to tell himself to let it go, for a bit. But he can't. He loves this woman too much. "If she must have bananas", Dan says to himself, "I need to know why". He puts his anorak on and walks out.


Doesn't take long to find Suzanne, but Dan decides to keep a good distance - fifty paces. That way if, say, a bird shat on her head, and she turned around wondering what the hell happened, she wouldn't see him. So he follows her at fifty paces - she goes over the hill and into town. She walks past the W.H. Smiths and the chippy, and then - then, she walks right past Sainsbury's!

What's this, wonders Dan. He follows her on, and she goes right past the town center and onto the other side of town. "Never been in this area much" says Dan to himself, looking at all the houses there, right. He looks back at Suzanne - and she's gone! Cursing under his breath, Dan runs up, fifty paces and stands looking around. Then he catches eye of Suzanne. She's standing at the one of the houses and ringing on the doorbell.

Dan hides behind a hedge one house over and watches. Sure enough, the door opens, and Suzanne walks in.

He waits for a couple of minutes. Probably just chatting with a friend, he says to himself. But after a while, he can't stand it anymore. Fuck this, says Dan, and walks up to the house. He thinks of ringing the doorbell, but then he's like, hold on a minute. He walks up to a window, and peers in. There nowt there - no one in the living room. No one in the kitchen. That's kinda strange, thinks Dan. Why would they have gone upstairs? He waits another five minutes.

"Right" he says, finally. "What would they possibly be doing upstairs for five fucking minutes!" He looks around and sees a ladder lying in front of the garage. He picks it up, props it next to the window on the upstairs floor, and climbs up.


"She wasn't worth it, mate" said Henry, taking his Wii from Dan's hands. "Forget about it."

"Oii" said Dan, "I wasn't done with that. Give it back!"

"It's my turn" said Henry, "let off!"

"Give it!"

"No," said Henry, holding fast to his Wii, "Let off! I'm going to take this to another level!"

"Alright then" said Dan. "Have it your way. I'm off. Gonna go talk to her."

"She isn't worth it mate" said Henry.

"You're not worth it" said Dan, walking out.

"Mate, come back man! Alright, alright, here you can have it. Here, take it!" said Henry, holding his Wii up in the air - but Dan was gone.



"Hello Dan" said Suzanne. He could see she'd been crying.

"Just wanted to say hi, and that."

"Hi" said Suzanne. "Um, do you want to come in?"

Dan peered into the house. "Is he - is he in there?" he asked, kind of curiously.

"Upstairs" said Suzanne. "Here, come in. I'll put some tea on."


A little later, they're both sitting in the living room, right. Dan hasn't said anything, Suzanne hasn't said anything. She's like, looking at him, kind of anxious an' that. He's lookin' back at her, thinking.

"I've been thinking" says Dan, looking away out of the window.

"Yeah?" says Suzanne.

"I think it's alright," he says, looking back at her.


"I'm alright wiff it. I still want you."

"Really?" she says.

"Yeah," says Dan, "Come to think of it, it could be kinda charming doing a threesome together with a monkey."

Alright mates. That was it. Shocking news, for sure. Until next week then!

Carl Dilkington,
Dartford, Kent

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