Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Monkey News: Monkey Who?

More monkey news. (c. Jan 2007). For all Monkey News, see the 'monkey news' tag on the left, or click here.

Carl Dilkington here with some News this week that will leave you unseated - especially if you're a sci-fi fan and that. Got this from crossin' together a few pieces comin' to me from my friends in the Entertainment Industry. So secret is this news, there is no one Source - prolly on account of the hot, angry tirade and the big-name, uh wossnames, Executive Producers, involved. Anyway, on with the News.

There's this bloke, right, Shafiq, who's been thrown a gig as Assistant Producer
in what may be the biggest of television productions ever undertaken by the BBC, yeah - the latest, greatest brand-spankin' newest series of Dr. Who. So, he's right chuffed. Assistant Producer on Dr. Who - that's the bollocks mate. He can't wait to get started.

So they get him runnin' around, gettin' everything ready for the show and that. He's walkin' from studio to set, to studio. Calls from Paris, callin' Brazil, London, New York, and all that. Talkin' to the crew, writers, directors. Makin' sure all the execs are seein' eye to eye. Getting all the shit together, basically. That's his job. Keep the Shit Together.

He's doin' it as well. He's got it all. He's got the writers sittin' in their rooms, writin'. Stories' are comin' along fine. He's got the Special Effects gang all fired up with their tricks and gags. Everyone's always happy to see him. He meets up with the director in chief, and they're both gettin' on alright.

Finally, about a week before shooting starts, yeah, he meets up with this bird, Angela, who's playin' the new sidekick in the show. She's right hot, and charming to boot - they're havin' a few drinks at this bar, yeah, and everythings' going swimmingly.

"I really like your taste in clothes," says Angela, touching one of his sleeves.

"Yeah?" says Shafiq, kinda sheepish, "Well, I kinda have to choose the right stuff to wear, y'know. What with having to move around so much, gettin' things done."

"Very admirable," says Angela, yeah, and she's like, givin' him this demure grin. "It felt so good for you to actually call me up and ask to meet me."

"Yeah, yeah" grins Shafiq, "just part of the job, luv. Got to make sure all the Shit is Together."

"Yes," replies Angela. "So ... who's playing the new Doctor, then? Have you met him?"

Shafiq is about to nod, yeah, but then he stops short. "New Doctor?"

"Well, there's always a new Doctor, innit? Like, first there was that bloke, William Hartnell, yeah, in the 60s. Then there was Pertwee, I think, in the 70s. Tom Baker, Sly McCoy ... Eccleston, David Tenant ... ooer. There's been so many," she smiled, "can't wrap me little head around all of 'em."

Shafiq's, like, put his drink down and trying hard to breathe.

"Is there summat wrong?" asks Angela.

"Bloody hell!" yells Shafiq, losing all his cool. "I've only forgotten the bloody Doctor!" He runs out, yeah, forgettin' to pay for the drinks, not even sayin' goodbye.

"Hmm," says Angela to herself. "Who forgets 'bout the Doctor in a production of Doctor Who?"

So Shafiq's running out, running down the street yeah. He pulls his cellphone out and calls Kevin, one of the Exec. Producers. "Kevin? Kevin! I forgot thebloody Doctor, mate. Shite, I just clean forgot him! What are we going to do?" There's no reply at first - he looks into his phone - then there's a quiet little snicker on the other end. "Kevin?" yells Shafiq again.

"You're not seein' the Doctor," replies Kevin quietly.

"What? What do you mean, man? I'm the bloody Assistant Producer! I've got to meet him! I've got to set things up! I've got to Keep the Shit Together, man, fer cryin' out loud!"

"You tell Joey to let me see the mid-season finale, and I'll give you the Doctor," says Kevin.

"Wot?" yells Shafiq, dodging a car on the street. Amidst its blaring horn, he goes on, "Kevin - this ain't no laughin' matter mate. What's this got to do with Joey?" Joey was the other Executive Producer.

"The bastard won't let me read the mid-season finale! He's keepin' me up at nights just wonderin' what happens. You get Joey to send me that finale, and I'll let you see the Doctor."

"Kevin, mate - Kevin, come on mate. We're all in this together! I'm sure Joey's got a good reason for keepin' the finale. Come on man, this is a team - we're supposed to be a team here!"

"Fuck you bastard, I'm bloody losin' my sleep here! Fuckin' hell, I got to write episodes 12 and 18, here, n' I'm completely wrung out of my creative juices 'cos of that tosser. Get me the finale!" The line goes dead.

"Blast!" yells Shafiq. "What's Joey's number?" Just then, he crashes into an old woman in a wheelchair, toppling her over. The old bird lets out a yell and writhes in pain on the cobblestones.

"Oh crap," says Shafiq, picking himself up. "Joey! He's flyin' off to Honduras on vacation tonight! Crap, crap!" He looks at his watch. Quarter to seven - Joey's flyin' off at eight. "I can make it!" yells Shafiq, running off toward the Tube station, ignoring the old woman's pleas for assistance.

As he runs, Shafiq keeps trying Joey's number, but to no avail. When he reaches the station, he hears the train pull in below. "Bollocks," says Shafiq, "I can make this one." He runs faster.

Then, right in mid-stair, the train doors opening below, Joey calls him up.

"Alright mate?" says Joey.

"Joey! Yes! Just the man I needed to see. Joey - I need to get the mid-season finale scr-" All of a sudden, Shafiq realizes he's running, but not moving. He turns slightly, and realizes someone's holding on to his collar.

"Right there lad - what's the hurry?" comes a deep voice from behind.

"Blast, a copper!" says Shafiq. "Sir - please, I'm -"

"There's no runnin' on the stairs, lad - could topple someone over. Not pretty, that."

"Sir - I wasnt - Joey? Joey, hang on, one minute - please - " wails Shafiq desperately.

"Mate - gotta split - headin' into customs" goes Joey. "I'll see ya in June."

"Joey - nooo!" But the line goes dead. Shafiq bows his head down in tears,and turns to the copper. "Sir - I - I have to get to the airport. I have to catch that train!" he pleads, pointing at the train below.

"Hang on, hang on," says the copper. "I've got to fine you first," he says, pulling a ticket book from his pocket.

"You wot? For runnin'?" says Shafiq.

The copper points to a sign high up on the stairwell wall. "No Runnin'. £500," reads the sign.

"Five hundred pounds?" yells Shafiq. "For bleedin' running?"

"Right lad. May as well pay up now, if ya like, eh. Make things shorter," grins the copper, nudgin' at him. Below, the train pulls away.

"Bloody hell," shrugs Shafiq. He pulls £500 from his wallet and pays the man. Then he skulks down to wait for the next train.

"How? How could I forget about the bloody Doctor? In a Doctor Who production no less!" Sitting on a bench, Shafiq tries calling Kevin again.

"Do you have the finale?" says Kevin.

"Kevin, no mate. But come now Kevin. Be reasonable." There's no reply, and Kevin slams his phone down.

The train arrives and Shafiq gets in. "Don't think I'll make it," he says to himself, looking at his watch. It's half past seven.

Finally, the train arrives at Heathrow. Shafiq jumps off. There's ten minutes to go. He runs up the escalator, runs down to the departure gates. There, he's stopped by security.

"Got to wave you in mate," says the woman.

"Bloody hell," thinks Shafiq, but he lets her wave him in. By now, they're prolly all in the plane anyway. Having been waved in, he runs up to the gate. But there's no one there. The gate is empty. He looks desperately at the Information monitors. Flight 873 to Honduras - Departed Early.

"Departed *Early*? When does that happen?" He slumps into a seat. "Why can't I ever get a break? Why doesn't it ever go right for me?" he cries, holding his head. "The one time, the one time I get to be Assistant Producer, get to Hold the Shit Together, the one time, and -"

His cellphone rings. "Joey!" screams Shafiq, standing up.

"Alright. Sorry got cut off there before. They made me turn me phone off."

"Joey. Where are ya?"

"I'm on the plane," says Joey. "Usin' one of them 'airphones'. Anyway, just wanted to tell you summat about that bird, Angela-"

"No, Joey - no - bugger that. Joey - I need you to send me the mid-season finale! Please, send it to me. I need it."

He hears a curious laughing from the phone. "Joey?" he asks, getting a little angry.

More laughter. Then, "Alright, alright. You can have it. Here, hold on. I'll open up my laptop 'n send it to ya."

"Wot you laughin' at?" asks Shafiq angrily, but all he gets is more laughter.

"Check your files on yer mobile - I just sent it." says Joey. There's a little more quiet laughter, and he hangs up.

"What's that about?" says Shafiq, decidedly irked. He checks his files, and sure enough, the finale is there. He emails it to Kevin, then calls him up.

"Do you have the-" says Kevin.

"Yeah, you bastard. I just sent you yer soddin' file. Now fuckin' tell me who this bloody Doctor is."

There's more of this sneaky, quiet laughter, gettin' Shafiq all hot and that. "He's waitin' for you. Upstairs, at the private phone booths. Number 32. It's shaped like one of them old police boxes, ya can't miss it."

"You wot?" demands Shafiq.

"Just arrived, ten minutes ago. You can meet him there." Again, the laughter. "Got to tell you a little about our new Doctor, though..." Shafiq runs up the escalator.

"Wot are you laughin' at mate, eh? You think that was fuckin' funny. I've got shit to do, y'know. I got to have all the info. I'm runnin' the Production. I got to Keep the Shit Together mate. I'm the only one who's Keepin' the effin' Shit Together!"

"Yeah, yeah, I know," giggles Kevin. "Sorry. I'm sorry."

"That really sucked, you bastard," says Shafiq, approaching the phone booths. "I lost five 'undred quid in that!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," laughs Kevin. "You there yet? I've got to tell you-"

"I'm approachin' booth 32 now."

"Right. Well, before you meet him, you got to know, this new Doctor. He's a bit of an unusual fella-"

"Yeah, yeah," says Shafiq, grabbing the handle to 32. "Aren't they all though, the Doctors, I mean? All a tad strange. Not a problem, mate - I can deal with the eccentrics. Just not bastards like you - and that Joey. Executive nobs, and all that."

"Right, well, just wanted to let you know."

Shafiq opens the door to booth 32 and peers in. There's a monkey sittin' on that chair next to a suitcase.

Carl Dilkington,
Dartford, Kent


  1. Of course, this begs the question: Who would win, Monkey Doctor or the Daleks?

  2. Wonder what a Dalek looks like inside ;)