Saturday, July 11, 2009

Oil Aviary

He fell over the plastic pigeon again.

"Oh my fucking GOD! Oh my God. Is this how it is going to be for the rest of my entire fucking existence? God, damn you!"

The mini-teapoy whirred over to his ear. "Chill out dude. It's an iterative process. The way we designed it was so you will slowly learn to not trip on inanimate objects."

"You didn't design shit. This is like your 'creative science project' gone horribly wrong."

The mini-teapoy flew away sadly, and left him to himself. "Fucking Hell," he screamed to the world in general.

A replacement teapoy with better apƩritifs came to whisper into his ear. "Maybe if you eat the red pill, you'll feel right as rain." It dropped the red pill into his cusped palms, but there had been no warning about the epidermic reaction. The pellet began to dissolve into his body. Then his body began to expand. Because you, the reader, have actually done Viagra, I feel confident as a portrayer to depict the scene as though they were injecting Viagra into ever little pore in your skin. Even the pores in your eyeballs, even! And up your nose. Right through your tongue and down your throat ...

When the operation was complete, the teapoy glided safely back to its base. Then the transformations began to occur. First, he had thought one of his hands had exploded away from his torso. But no -- it had just become obscenely massive. He tilted over, but soon one of his toes began to lay purchase. Like one of those rubber-dart balls, his adhesive quality to ground seemed to quadruple. "No," he screamed. "This isn't what I meant by true power!" An ear-lobe spat itself into a rusty floor nail, securing purchase. "This is crap design!" he screamed.

The teapoy that had given him advanced apƩritifs began to record his reactions, from a safe distance. There was a lot of 'whining and moaning' about materialism. Apparently, over there, in the real world, he had been begging for them to stop with the cardboard cutouts already and give him true emotional content. But as his body mass grew, the (now) creature began to realize its impending fate. "It's crushing my fucking BRAIN!" he yelled, in Capitals, "it's overeating and overusing and abundanizing (new word) and SQUEEZING MY QUALIA OUT OF ME!"


  1. Thats awesome! The way you used "viagra" was GENIUS! I also have to say, I started to picture the blue berry girl at the end!

  2. Thanks. Actually that made me notice that the viagra passage exhibits the unholy act of mixing persons. I switched to the second person, 'you', for what was supposed to be a brief conspiratory moment to explain the viagra metaphor, but then appear to have carried it across the rest of the paragraph. Will fix soon, and thanks again :)