Saturday, May 30, 2009

the short story on facialbook

This is going to come in segments. Cos that's how I did it. Cos like, in facebook you need to wait and let people calculate the time of what is happening. It all starts out with an seemingly innocent (but enthusiastic) post about seeing movies:

Irfan Baig is planning a huge movie-o-thon on 6609 (all the movies i never got to see): star trek, terminator, a horror film i can't remember, another horror film i can't remember. maybe even up. watch some little shit that apparently made tarantino name his reservoir players after colors (imagine -- how tough is that?). (they're censoring me, but watch in the comments)

(following is all in the comments section)
Irfan Baig at 4:43am May 30
anyway, after that i may even watch up. maybe catch slumdog millionaire. i remember when i was in india once in 1994 or something, and seeing how there was, like, mtv playing out of huts. i'm sure that movie is totally true. anyway, danny boyle's 'sunshine' was a lot of fun, especially in the commentary where he said sci-fi is about a ship and a ... crew and a signal. firefly, much?

all of this will happen in the stupid theaters in times square, because that is the best place possibly to watch all these stupid movies at once. plus there's a very authentic indonesian restaurant i want to have dinner at in the area.

then i would be done with this stupid summer.
Irfan Baig at 4:54am May 30
i think i am going to go buy a gun.
Irfan Baig at 4:59am May 30
damn. walmart is always so close when you're cruisin' with random people in a car. (from iPhone)
Irfan Baig at 5:39am May 30
got my gun, which is a pretty nice piece, for cheap. when i walked out, the random car with random people is not available. i order a limo service. as i wait the half hour, i fondle my new piece, and can't wait to go home and load it with bullets. 4P is sure going to get a face load as soon as she tells me I'm being too noisy tonight. (from some crappy wap shit. iPhone died out when i threw it trying to call random cars to take me back).
Irfan Baig at 6:13am May 30
finally got home. showed the doorman a slip of my gun and he just sat back down in his seat. looked petrified.
Irfan Baig at 7:13am May 30
shooting everything. everything in my apartment. it's all going to hell. die, motherfuckers.
Irfan Baig at 8:06am May 30
there is so much blood all over the place. and livers. and brains. like ... mush of peepulls ...
Irfan Baig at 8:08am May 30
am i human? how can i incur such wrath upon my fellow man? to point a weapon at it, and shoot it, sending a missile force to dislodge critical components of its being? then it just pirouettes, and lies dead. i kick it, to check and make sure, but nope, it is dead. more people in from the building advance, and i reload ammo.
Irfan Baig at 8:34am May 30
omg, i just shot 4P. in the face. she came down knocking, and i opened the door, and she was going to scream at me, so i just shot her.

the problem is, the bitch did not die! "god this is some serious zombie stuff i'm into right here" i said aloud, to myself.

"i'm sorry, what?" said the zombie lady from 4P....

i shot her again, dislodging some of the cartilage from her nosejob, but that didn't affect anything. "why won't you die?" i screamed at her.

"this is exactly what i have been meaning to ask you all this damn time! you, you ... "

"say it," i say, raising an eyebrow and putting my gun at her forehead.

"what the hell is this?" she tries, grabbing at my weapon. "this, this cheap, cheap little thing?"

"it's 11.95. made by nyko," i inform her, product placing. "best thing to shoot zombies with. can't wait till Dead Space Extraction. i hear you can turn the gun sideways in that game to fire an alternate weapon."

"you, you ... I WANTED TO SLEEP! i just wanted to bloody sleep."
Irfan Baig at 9:19am May 30
look back at her, blankly. "why don't you move to Alaska?"

the ooze of rage passes out from her face, replaced by the bird droppings of confusion. "what?"

"if you really want to sleep so badly, why don't you go to Alaska? i mean, i think people there probably snooze pretty well, no?"...

there was anger, in her face. diamonds of anger, and little rubies of despair, from the eyes. there were even one or two of those tiny sapphires representing the alaskan teenager metropolite wannabe, screaming out: "why are you stereotyping us?"

this is when she breaks down and falls to her knees. i roll my eyes, with a cry of 'lord help me', and i obviously put my gun at her forehead, as though this is an execution style shooting. she's crying. "i don't know why i'm paying all this rent," she wails, "just pull the trigger, you sadist bastard." she sobs a little more. "just pull the trigger. you enjoy this, don't you?"
Irfan Baig at 9:26am May 30
"what? your pathetic perfomance, or your stupid sob story?" i laugh, rolling my eyes again. "maybe your posture." i throw my pistol onto my springy bed, where it bounces cutely at least twice, and walk back into my room.

she boo-hoo-hoos and wails at my doorstep as i search for what i am looking for. she stops when she notices by my footstep that... i've found it.

i approach the moaning crone. from 4P. i throw a pair of industrial strength earbuds at her bowled knees, and say, "there you go, now piss off."
Irfan Baig at 9:28am May 30
(the end). (from Facebook. on the COMputer) ;)


  1. Irfan, what's up man?!! What's all this blood shedding and eyeball popping etc? It is all very very gross!! I remember a time when u were in high school and Shez's teacher called you and asked if everything was ok with Shez, as he had displayed similar blood shedding and gut wrenching in his school essay. Obviously Mr Stubs thought Shez had problems at home....hence his showing that kind of thing in his school work. When asked, 13 yr old Shez said he was trying to act 'macho' when writing a gut spilling story!!
    In your case, you arent 13, you are 31. So,i ask you what is the reason for this gut wrenching and blood shedding in this blog of your's????? What ails you, my son?

  2. it's piece of fiction about playing a videogame on the wii. zombie videogame.