Saturday, May 30, 2009

Real Human Mating Techniques

Based on response to my earlier piece, 'Dating', I have been moved to produce a piece that caricaturizes my own work. This piece is written without capitalization in that lazy fashion of the internet, because it is, after all, only a caricature. Of a Greater Piece.

the train of her yelling had carried from the butler at the awning of the posh restaurant, right to his table, whereupon she quickly folded her cellphone into her bag.

sitting down and smiling sweetly, she was surprised to find that this well dressed man in a true brown sport jacket, pleasantly low-key marigold tie and clearly deep blue silk shirt had pulled a large orange laundry bag onto his lap. right before her very eyes, he dug deep into this bag of his, and, began rummaging there.

shortly, the sommelier arrived, asking if they would like to have any drinks. the man (her date) told the sommelier to come back in about 20 minutes, causing a tiny confusion about who was boss, with the sommelier. who was short.

then he pulled a foam elephant toy from the bag, and, exclaiming gleefully, threw it in her general direction. he then watched her, studying for a reaction.

the woman looked around for a moment, at the other patrons who were normally dining at this place, and then said, "this is your 'big plan'? this is how you woo me?"

the man frowned a little, then stuck his hand in the laundry bag and pulled out a small blue plastic alligator, one similar in scale to those army men that children play with. he flicked this at her, as well. it landed between her carefully selected cleavage. she looked down at her maroon and skin breasts and just shook her head.

this kind of process continued, and increasingly, the man's face would frown more, and he would do this thing of taking out flimsy toys and volleying them to her, with increasing frequency. she -- well, her mind would burst to deviate unto the folded up cellphone in her bag. she only wished her sexist boss who she had been talking to before this encounter would call up!

finally he pulled out a water pistol, and shot her in the face. when she shrieked, the sommelier, who had come over (it had been 20 minutes, and he had promised he would order drinks), tried to take the gun away from him.

this was when he even picked the sommelier himself up, in his arms, and flung it with such force at her, that she was decapitated while trying to reach into her bag for her cellphone.

(No I'm not a psycho. This is fiction. And a caricature, to boot. Please read the sidebar on the left).

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