Things I Would Say To A Lover

Your hair is the fluffiest.

Full of fiesta and pretentiousness

and fiat,

Yellow in my hands,

empty.

I'm not angry, just a little hurt.

A Little Hurt,

Tiny one.

But who am I to discuss these complicated details,

with you after the ending of a movie about

some retard's inability to speak?

Kidding, kidding.

Always kidding. I remember

just joking one time, in your face,

and suddenly

you did not find me funny anymore.

You did not feel I had the capacity

to entertain you over the long term,

or retain your inclusiveness,

in any manner.

So obviously there are a ton

of things that have to be uttered by me

upon the wind (in lieu of you)

You know what? You are no Helena Bonham Carter.

Haha!

My bad, my bad. This is not 'things I would say in anger'.

.

What I would say to a long gone lover is:

"I'm older now."

Things I Would Say to a Baby

If I had a baby, these are some things I would tell it. Rather than buy it all the toys in the universe.

----
Mythology is an extremely important concept for you to understand. No, your father is not Lucifer, or some kind of vagabond creature let loose upon greater humanity -- no. He is, in fact, a myth.

Babies like myths.

They like being told about all kinds of scenarios, their brains being young and full of ability to regenerate cells (unlike you or me). They love make-believe. And they absolutely love it when you tell them that a certain thing is a certain way. It shapes who they are. They eat it up. Which is why mythology is extremely important.

A myth is a sort of story that somebody can tell, like your friend's parent that tells funny stories regarding some sort of 'God'.

In your friend's world, there is this guy, 'God', that walks around like he is the coolest damn thing since history. God ordains -- yes, ordains -- various things. He ordains, for example, that dolphins follow certain rules when interacting with humans shooting a documentary.

Babies love documentaries that have dolphins in them.

Anyway, so in your friend's world, this 'God' character roams about. This is your first introduction to mythology. Crazy, right? But it is true. This 'God' does not actually exist. It was just made up. It was made up by your friend's mom or dad. Why? Because they don't love their child enough. They don't love it enough to properly understand the ways and whiles of the world, so they just mock up some bullshit and fling it in their baby's face.

Good thing you came into my hands. Somebody that actually cares, and has taken the pain-staking time to examine mythology in full, in order to convey it successfully to you. Okay, so far everything I've said probably sounds horrid, and terrible. If I was a baby, I would be crying out, wailing, "Rubbish, rubbish!"

So it is also my job to make sure you know that mythology, despite its flaws, its fallacies and outright perjury, is actually fun. You can have fun with this, and I am going to be the one that makes sure you have all the information.

You can make mythologies. They say you can't, but I say you can. You're not a little baby--you can make it up. And it is fun!

I have to go now. But I hope that one day I will see you again, and you will tell me an amazing story.

Worst Thing Ever

"Imagine," she said, standing there on her high-horse, "the worst thing ever. That is for you."

"The worst thing?" I asked (to confirm. This conversation having taken an unexpected direction).

"Absolutely the most horrible thing ever."

I think for two seconds, then shoot from the hip: "In a space station, and I am ejected into the vacuum of outer-space."

She is not impressed. Her eyes turn into red laser-beams. "What the fuck is wrong with you? I ask you about the worst thing ever, and you give me some sci-fi bullshit? Stop being such a nerd, and say something real. Something profound. Something realistic."

I go back to my devices; my notebooks and my usb drives and my Lego sets. I inspect everything for realism. For profundity. I find it, and return to her, victorius.

"I'm pregnant when they space me?" I say.

This is when the noise starts. She is furious, livid. Angry. Zones of her hairdo begin to erupt, like Vesuvius upon Pompeii. I have to return to my packaging in order to survive her fury. Only slivers of reasoning are traceable within the comfort zone I need to maintain in order to remain alive.

"I said realistic, you motherfucker!!!"...bzzt bzzt..."Why are you still in outer-space, come the fuck back home"...bzzt..."Nobody likes science fiction. So there."

Spin-off From a Poem Titled 'Untitled'

It is a new year
not a holy day, or some plot
by the herd that tries to
separate one's being from another.

Stampeding, as I get kicked by hooves
(who haves and who've had)
till my contact lens finally goes dry,
drops, suddenly there is only blurry vision

of you.

Is it getting better?
Did I leave a bad ringtone in your phone?
I ask you for forgiveness,
you tell your carrier I'm a psychopath.

Well that went well, for a little bit.
I have all your photos maybe someday
I'll delete all of it.
You asked me a question,

and no they'll never be online!

The only thing you left online
was a button saying 'online',
a button I'd long ago altered
with whiteout and a skilled hand.

I had been a scribe then,
now all I am is a poet.
Or so I type to you,
does it matter you don't know it?

Feet in the Grave (with Richard Wilson!)

From time to time I will publish 'chats' that occur between myself and people on the internet at 3:59 AM. It's just one other guy, but I always replace his name so that he will never ever be famous. In the following transcript, I have changed his name to 'Locksley'. I am 'runningveindeep'.

----
(03:59:35 AM) Locksley: sup cracaka
(04:00:18 AM) runningveindeep: sup krakatoa
(04:00:45 AM) Locksley: started watching the robin hood series
(04:01:00 AM) Locksley: its pretty good
(04:01:07 AM) runningveindeep: it is a bitch that they stopped it
(04:01:19 AM) Locksley: did they finish it first?
(04:01:26 AM) runningveindeep: i kind of liked it. also, if you're watching that, you should watch 'Merlin'
(04:01:33 AM) Locksley: yeah, i was thinking of merlin
(04:01:38 AM) runningveindeep: they didn't finish it properly
(04:01:41 AM) Locksley: u serious
(04:01:45 AM) Locksley: they didn't do it properly
(04:01:46 AM) Locksley: wtf
(04:01:58 AM) Locksley: it looks like they can finish it at any time
(04:02:02 AM) runningveindeep: i'm sorry to be the one to convey this news
(04:02:20 AM) Locksley: why the hell am i even watching it then
(04:02:24 AM) runningveindeep: you're talking about the recent brit robin hood show, right?
(04:02:31 AM) Locksley: yes
(04:02:42 AM) Locksley: i'm in season 1
(04:02:48 AM) runningveindeep: well, it's pretty good up till the end
(04:03:08 AM) runningveindeep: by end i mean season 3 (or 2, i don't remember)
(04:03:15 AM) Locksley: robin marrys mary madelin, the bad people die though right
(04:03:26 AM) Locksley: there is 3 seasons 12 episodes in the 3rd season.
(04:04:02 AM) runningveindeep: yeah, i don't think it quite ends that way. i may be wrong. perhaps i should watch the last season again
(04:04:20 AM) Locksley: or the last episoe
(04:04:28 AM) Locksley: see some chick i know, was talking about how much she liked it
(04:04:31 AM) Locksley: so i starte watching it
(04:04:43 AM) runningveindeep: what i like about merlin is that they have this old guy from this show i used to watch as a kid 'one foot in the grave'
(04:04:48 AM) runningveindeep: Richard Wilson
(04:05:15 AM) runningveindeep: he's a right old welsh get
(04:05:25 AM) Locksley: i'm supposedly part welsh
(04:05:34 AM) runningveindeep: i know, sorry
(04:05:38 AM) Locksley: Italian, slovakian, welsh, something else
(04:05:47 AM) Locksley: sorry
(04:05:48 AM) Locksley: lol
(04:06:17 AM) runningveindeep: well, the welsh accent is highly amusing (and can be very sexy if said by girls)
(04:06:47 AM) Locksley: i tend to make fun of english chick accents on accident
(04:07:06 AM) Locksley: it happens when they are conversating w/ me. I automatically start talking like them and not even knowin it.
(04:07:08 AM) runningveindeep: it's not the same as english accents. this is the welsh accent we are talking about
(04:07:29 AM) Locksley: i'm not really sure of it, nor the difference
(04:07:41 AM) Locksley: do the welsh have their own tv shows
(04:08:01 AM) runningveindeep: i think they do, but they are all syndicated into the main BBC system
(04:08:10 AM) Locksley: agh
(04:08:16 AM) Locksley: i still am upset about this robin hood news
(04:08:22 AM) runningveindeep: i've never heard of a welsh satellite channel
(04:08:22 AM) Locksley: as i particularly like the show
(04:08:34 AM) Locksley: do u ever watch comedies
(04:08:54 AM) runningveindeep: just keep watching it. the way i'm saying it probably doesn't translate well
(04:09:13 AM) runningveindeep: i only watch very funny comedies
(04:09:20 AM) Locksley: well, I hope theres an extra episoe that u never seen that ties it together bettr
(04:09:29 AM) Locksley: theres a enw comedy called *Glory Daze*
(04:09:31 AM) Locksley: pretty good
(04:09:59 AM) runningveindeep: it sounds like if you wanted to give some girl some rohypnol or something
(04:10:29 AM) Locksley: well its a mix of ICU Old school and American Pie
(04:10:39 AM) Locksley: mainly reminds me of ICU to be honest thou
(04:10:44 AM) runningveindeep: is it something like 'Community'?
(04:10:58 AM) Locksley: never heard of that one
(04:11:11 AM) Locksley: 4 guys in a frat, freshmen
(04:11:41 AM) runningveindeep: that's the basis of glory days? have you seen bob saget's new show? it's on hulu.
(04:11:53 AM) Locksley: lol i'm sure thats probably ppretty good
(04:11:55 AM) Locksley: wats that about
(04:12:30 AM) runningveindeep: episode 3 is about joining a frat
(04:12:39 AM) Locksley: sagat is like 60 lol
(04:12:55 AM) runningveindeep: http://www.hulu.com/strange-days-with-bob-saget
(04:13:29 AM) runningveindeep: well, i've never really been inclined to join one of those. the whole 'fraternity' thing kinda gives me shudders
(04:13:47 AM) Locksley: agreed
(04:14:05 AM) Locksley: picking up chicks is more fun when you have to work for it
(04:14:11 AM) Locksley: frats just bring the girls right in
(04:14:35 AM) runningveindeep: you have to create a 'system' or something
(04:14:58 AM) Locksley: i was trying to remember all my exes tonight, was going to look em up on facebook.
(04:15:02 AM) Locksley: I can't rmeember them thou
(04:15:06 AM) Locksley: not even their names
(04:15:25 AM) runningveindeep: i remember their names, but not reasons to look them up on facebook
(04:15:39 AM) Locksley: lol see what they look like, if they r married, etc
(04:15:49 AM) runningveindeep: what's the point of looking them up on facebook?
(04:16:03 AM) Locksley: just to check see if they are alive n ok
(04:16:04 AM) Locksley: kinda thing
(04:16:17 AM) runningveindeep: that will only lead to some bad stuff
(04:16:43 AM) runningveindeep: like you make an animated gif of their stupid new boyfriend's face, and then make that your profile picture
(04:17:10 AM) Locksley: that would be funny as hell
(04:17:18 AM) Locksley: i don't know how to make animated gifs
(04:17:21 AM) Locksley: sunds like a lot of work
(04:17:38 AM) runningveindeep: ask your bro that does the computer stuff
(04:18:18 AM) runningveindeep: anyway, my point is, that is like a total void
(04:19:01 AM) runningveindeep: you just need to do more better things for yourself.
(04:19:25 AM) runningveindeep: like sign up for the next lunar eclipse, before it disappears from your hands
(04:20:59 AM) Locksley: my bro doesn't do computer stuff lol
(04:21:08 AM) Locksley: i know right
(04:21:10 AM) Locksley: wtf was that
(04:21:14 AM) Locksley: i stay up all god damn night evry day
(04:21:17 AM) Locksley: and i didn't even know about it
(04:21:41 AM) runningveindeep: maybe sign up for a newsletter on a page at nasa.gov or something?
(04:23:45 AM) Locksley: lol yeah, well its over for like the next 100 years or something
(04:23:46 AM) Locksley: right
(04:26:00 AM) runningveindeep: i'm getting bored of this conversation. let us talk tomorrow when you've found more things for me to examine.
(04:27:11 AM) Locksley: ur so gay

Slow Dispersion of Madness

New to the 'shock cinema' industry, director Roman Polanski is making a film all about the recently escaped Charles Manshion.

Try hard as I may, I cannot say that name without adding a Sean Connery special effect plugin.

Also, rubber comes from trees, a long-known, yet persistent form of slavery. 'Rubber-tappers', as they are usually called, can be killed instantly if they do not conform to the order of the chief of that village.

Try and pull that apart next time you feel bendy.

I also want to communicate on the horrors that recently transpired. You know what I'm talking about.

If what you all wanted when you started to read this piece was just cool verbiage,

Witness the small and the large in some conjuncture
future will not threaten to kill.
Slow and enjoyable furniture
I think, therefore I am.

Where's the small way to go through?
Why's it always have to be on this scale?
Can't it be little and unassuming?
Like what flowers say are their names?

Slow dispersion of madness is a new technique
I'm employing to avoid future embarrassment.
If you do wake up tomorrow morning,
make sure you drive the car that is sleek.

like a dot, given euclid.
like a triangle, if pythagoras.
after that you're on your own, Google.
i'm just saying this from a place that i know well.

Slow Opening

You have to carefully pleat the origami,
every finger you employ could be corduroy
approaching velvet, then bitch slap for saying
velvet. Satin, silk just milk

it, these are a lyrics to the song
whose plurals ... I mean, whose plurals?
Luxuriously singular, cos only one f-u finger
Goin' back to bank tonight to sleep in the best

cusses and slurs. (x2)

Okay we don't gotta be so mean.
I mean we mean we gotta get okay,
after that there will be a small hole
for whatever my mouth wants to say (it wants),

whatever my mouth wants to say (x2)