Friday, October 9, 2015

The Ben Carson Olympics

Those who have not been selected to participate in the Darwin Awards may have a second chance to garner trophies in a new event inspired by *neuro*-surgeon Ben Carson. This will be an event so epic to mankind that it allows the hijacking of the previously popular 'Olympic Games' (a popular international sporting event) and the interpolation of "Ben Carson" into the name.


This year, according to organizers, the Ben Carson Olympics is forced to take place in fucking America, because what other country would seriously allow it?


The full roster of events will be slowly revealed (like all major occasions, ceremony is necessary here) in the course of the next few days. Suggestions for new events are welcome. Those who are too excited and cannot wait, however, can in the meantime soak their enthusiasm in the revelation of two (2) initial events already confirmed. Confirmed, I tell you!

(Event 1) Marathon: Carefully selected participants will be made to run 42.195 kilometres (about 26 miles) to the Finish Line. This is a grueling event during which there is no doubt that every marathon runner will be laden (possibly even besotted) with consideration of all details pertaining to their lives. Every worry, every remaining debt--even words yet unsaid to loved ones--will no doubt weigh heavily on these runners (for 26 miles!).

The event is expected to entertain thousands of participants. Of course, like any marathon, there are criteria that will separate winners from losers among these thousands. For this event, the criteria is that it will be required for every runner approaching the Finish Line to align trajectory against at least one of several rifles and/or automatic pistols aimed towards them by verified criminals. Runners must make contact with the muzzles, upon which criminals will depress triggers of their firearms.

Winners will be clearly distinguishable from losers in this event by the holes in their bodies.

(Event 2) Discus Throw: In the spirit of Dr. Ben Carson, participants will carefully label heavy metal objects with their unique personal thoughts and ideas and simply fling them out as far as possible. After throwing their discuses, they must run into a volley of fire provided by criminals and exhibit fatal gunshot wounds to the body.

Winners will be judged by either by how well they are shot, or by special acclaim for those who manage to trick criminals into shooting a member of the audience instead.


The Ben Carson Olympics is always open to more suggestions of events. Submissions should be tangible and realistic, and must always end by participants running into a loaded gun wielded by a certified criminal.

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