Sunday, January 25, 2009

Monkey News: What's Really Happening

Alright mates. Just received another important update from Carl Dilkington. So, without further ado, let it rip, Carl.

c. May 2006). For all Monkey News, see the 'monkey news' tag on the left, or click here.

Got some new monkey news for you. I received this News through underground channels in the corporate world. A mate of mine works for a company that does projects with IBM, and he was charged with cleaning up the hard drive on one of the company's employees, Andy, who was fired recently. This disturbing news proves that there is something deeply wrong at the very core of our world's most important institutions.

So, there's this bloke, Andy, right? Got fired recently, no one is sure as to why. At least, none of the other employees what worked there didn't. But we may have some clues. My underground mate has sent me this file that he found while trying to clear out Andy's hard drive. It looks like an IRC log file. Here it is:

connection request received by
ident (ident found)
verifying rsa identity
irc_over_ssh connection approved.

Welcome to Conversations on this server are CLASSIFIED. Please ensure that any logging functionality on your client is turned OFF. Keeping logs of conversations on this server is a violation of your Identity Services Agreement and will be prosecuted by Law.

andy_tps: /join #haven
godbot: Welcome to Haven. mr_palm is currently not online.

andy_tps: i need to get in touch with palmisano.
@staciep: hi andy_tps. please don't use names on this channel.
andy_tps: sorry - where is mr_palm
@staciep: one sec. just deleting your comment from the server log.
andy_tps: hey there blueberry
andy_tps: you around?
blueberry: sorry andy, i was making myself some dinner
andy_tps: that's cool. just waiting to get in touch with mr_palm. what you
blueberry: ramen lol
andy_tps: lol. you're going to make yourself sick with that. you should come
over visit london - i'd make a delicious, scrumptous dinner for ya.
blueberry: rotfl. what would my husband say?
andy_tps: well, he can go stuff himself if he's leaving you eating ramen! ;)
blueberry: someday :/
@staciep: andy_tps - please join #mr_palm_haven. i've updated your privellages.
andy_tps: thanks staciep. blueberry - i'll catcha later
blueberry: l8r.

andy_tps: /join #mr_palm_haven
mr_palm: You got the report?
andy_tps: just wanted to give you an update on that
andy_tps: we don't have all of the info yet
andy_tps: but we should get it by wed.
mr_palm: This is bullshit.
andy_tps: i'm sorry, sir. the thai government is obfucsating our access to the
mr_palm: I need that information, Proctor.
andy_tps: sir
mr_palm: what
andy_tps: we're not supposed to use names on this server
do whatever the fuck I want. Like this
* mr_palm changes andy_tps's nickname to shitfest
shitfest: i'm very sorry sir
mr_palm: Shut up. I want to know about those thai plantain farms. NOW! Don't
fucking contact me again until you have the logistics.
shitfest: yes sir. i'm staying in over the weekend to get the info as soon as
i can.
mr_palm: Proctor, I have your house under surveillance. The plaintain farm
report is critical - my name is riding on it. If you don't have it in by
tomorrow morning, Proctor, I will have Mr. Cleese pay a little visit to your
wife and daughter.
shitfest: sir. yeesir. i will do everything i can.
mr_palm: See that you do
* mr_palm quit mr_palm_haven (kill)
* shitfest has left mr_palm_haven

shitfest: /join #haven
godbot: Welcome to Haven. mr_palm is currently not online.
shitfest: blueberry?
blueberry: ? who the hell are you?
shitfest: it's me, andy
blueberry: lol. shitfest?
shitfest: palmisano changed my name
blueberry: ooo
@staciep: please don't use names on this server, shitfest. this is your second
shitfest: sorry. blueberry - i need a special favor - msg me

* blueberry: 'sup?
* shitfest: i'm scared. mr_palm said he's going to send Mr. Cleese to my home
if i don't get this report thing done by tomorrow. and i can't do it - there's
no way.
* blueberry: ooo. i'm so sorry baby. what do ya need?
* shitfest: i need something. some dirt. something on mr_palm. something i can
use at him when he threatens me again.
* blueberry: well...
* shitfest: do me a favor. you're right there. go up to his office will ya?
maybe try to find something for me?
* blueberry: ooo. i don't know about that... could be trouble.
* shitfest: i know, i know. but i'm dying here.
* shitfest: hello?
* shitfest: you still there?
* blueberry: well ... ok. i'll try.
* shitfest: thank you so much! omg, if you can do this, i'll totally divorce
that bitch and come over and take you away.
* blueberry: hmmph ;) promises promises lol. ok. wait tho - let me finish my
* shitfest: phew. thanks.

* blueberry: back omg
* shitfest: what? you find anything.
* blueberry: omg omg omg
* shitfest: what!!!
* blueberry: what were those reports he wanted again?
* shitfest: uh - some stuff about thai plaintain farms... and?
* blueberry: omg omg. so - i sneaked into the Enclave right...
* shitfest: yeah
* blueberry: i casually walk over to mr_palm's office
* shitfest: yeah
* blueberry: i looked around, making sure no one is around. then i peeked in
through the little letterbox window.
* shitfest: and?
* blueberry: it was monkey in that executive chair!!!

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