-------
This is a record of voicemails to my personal cellphone account:
---
Anon: Hi there, I'm Homeland Security. Just wanted to check in and discover who you are going to try to be this Halloween.
Me: [disconnect]
Anon: Hello again. Like I said, I am the security of your Homeland. This geographic boundary you call a 'home', and protect from all those gawd-awful evil-doers out there. Before you disconnect me again, try and think how this is going to look when it goes public. Look, all we want to know is what costume you will be wearing this Halloween.
Me: I am going as Kimbo Slice.
HS: Weak. All you'd have to do is shave your head and grow a beard. Surely you had had thoughts about going as a Vorlon Ambassador?
Me: Surely I did have such thoughts. But then I realized I don't have enough people willing to fit such a costume over me for little or no compensation. I also sometimes have thoughts that I could be a person talking on a cellphone that gets a call from 'Homeland Security'. And that that is actually a way for entire populations to feel really secure.
HS: You have fallen into my trap.
Me: No, *you* are going to fall deep into *my* trap.
HS: No you will
Me: Fuck you and come back when you grow a respectable face.
HS: I'm telling the Fatherland!
Me: Are we on mauve alert yet?
---
The call gets disconnected here, because HS didn't pay enough bills to its pay-to-go service plan.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Novel Hairstyle
'Common Intrusion Alert Process': You know, how in movies or tv, the father or mother wakes up to a 'sound in the house'. They ask each other questions. Then the leading parent finds a quick weapon, and they slowly begin to explore their own house like it is a haunted mansion or something. I've always wondered how much that happens in real life.
----
Jim: You speak to me as though this was a first-person experience.
Bill: Are you kidding me? This is third-person -- I only used the 'I' as a character in the novel.
Jim: Rubbish, you are back to your old habits again. Writing trite pieces that apparently describe *your* experience in the vain hope that you might, at some point, somehow, strike gold and spit out a piece that garners Universal Acceptance.
Bill: Some might say that a number of human works are, in fact, direct presentations of the artist, him or her self. That in translating a particular 'experience' or turn of events by directly locating oneself as a participant lends the works a sense of authenticity unparalleled by these 3rd-person utilizing, machine-generated products -- or, in other words, the type of vapid fiction that you generate. Anyway, all I said was that "I've always wondered how much that happens in real life." And to be very honest, I really do. I often wonder that. The rest of it was 3rd person.
Jim: So what happened? You were sitting there 'wondering', while these excuses for characters were inching down the staircase, in their nighties, with a bat?
----
Jim: You speak to me as though this was a first-person experience.
Bill: Are you kidding me? This is third-person -- I only used the 'I' as a character in the novel.
Jim: Rubbish, you are back to your old habits again. Writing trite pieces that apparently describe *your* experience in the vain hope that you might, at some point, somehow, strike gold and spit out a piece that garners Universal Acceptance.
Bill: Some might say that a number of human works are, in fact, direct presentations of the artist, him or her self. That in translating a particular 'experience' or turn of events by directly locating oneself as a participant lends the works a sense of authenticity unparalleled by these 3rd-person utilizing, machine-generated products -- or, in other words, the type of vapid fiction that you generate. Anyway, all I said was that "I've always wondered how much that happens in real life." And to be very honest, I really do. I often wonder that. The rest of it was 3rd person.
Jim: So what happened? You were sitting there 'wondering', while these excuses for characters were inching down the staircase, in their nighties, with a bat?
Friday, October 15, 2010
GTA V Details
Q: GTA IV was based on New York City. What location should GTA 5 be based on?
Original Answer: Pyongang (good luck, Rockstar Games)
After further thought,
It should be Grand Theft Auto: Bicycle Edition
Bicycling seems to have become a popular activity these days. There now exist entire segments of population that cheer the bicycle as a more appreciable transportation method than your gas guzzling automobile.
Why not make a GTA game focusing on bikes to venerate this human behavior? Bicycle theft is nothing new - it has been happening since the BMXs of the 80s. Back then, if you had an awesome new bike, better than any of the other kids' bikes, you knew it was only a matter of time before someone would steal it. I bet a creative game designer could come up with tons of ideas to make such a game fun. The only real challenge would be for all players to virtually petition respective police departments in the real world to consider bicycle stealing a 'Grand Theft'.
Original Answer: Pyongang (good luck, Rockstar Games)
After further thought,
It should be Grand Theft Auto: Bicycle Edition
Bicycling seems to have become a popular activity these days. There now exist entire segments of population that cheer the bicycle as a more appreciable transportation method than your gas guzzling automobile.
Why not make a GTA game focusing on bikes to venerate this human behavior? Bicycle theft is nothing new - it has been happening since the BMXs of the 80s. Back then, if you had an awesome new bike, better than any of the other kids' bikes, you knew it was only a matter of time before someone would steal it. I bet a creative game designer could come up with tons of ideas to make such a game fun. The only real challenge would be for all players to virtually petition respective police departments in the real world to consider bicycle stealing a 'Grand Theft'.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
How I Truly Feel About the Product
at first apple the base whose thirst was flung not far from parch.
then patched again to entertain brains times twelve or thirteen.
how could they not fall into this gutter of ineptitude?
you think i'm all organic but i'm about destroying stupid ideas like you.
lets get less technopolitical.
your orifices were 'decent', last i was told.
told by a view that was educated by a sound,
your smell is known well in my compound.
how do algorithms react when interrupted?
of course i love i love i love i love you
we love all of you all of you and all of you
possibly want deeper relationships possibly want d
.
d
.
dx
.
dy
then patched again to entertain brains times twelve or thirteen.
how could they not fall into this gutter of ineptitude?
you think i'm all organic but i'm about destroying stupid ideas like you.
lets get less technopolitical.
your orifices were 'decent', last i was told.
told by a view that was educated by a sound,
your smell is known well in my compound.
how do algorithms react when interrupted?
of course i love i love i love i love you
we love all of you all of you and all of you
possibly want deeper relationships possibly want d
.
d
.
dx
.
dy
Friday, October 1, 2010
I just want a huge slab of Camembert on my lap right now.
Long gone are the times we made dry
jokes at expense of peers for
mispronouncing brie.
Inward dehydration,
yet outward it remains so supple;
I think I may have a whole new favorite cheese.
Our humor no longer has to be at expense of some lame other.
Now we just laugh for the sake of laughing itself.
This Sake of Laughing is
quite unlike the Sake of Murder, but close.
Everybody says to you, in that state, "Kill them. Kill them all."
You go back to how when you were a baby you could just make them all play dead.
jokes at expense of peers for
mispronouncing brie.
Inward dehydration,
yet outward it remains so supple;
I think I may have a whole new favorite cheese.
Our humor no longer has to be at expense of some lame other.
Now we just laugh for the sake of laughing itself.
This Sake of Laughing is
quite unlike the Sake of Murder, but close.
Everybody says to you, in that state, "Kill them. Kill them all."
You go back to how when you were a baby you could just make them all play dead.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tilt
tongue twists, head in other direction.
on slaughts the panic avalanche,
pebbles can no longer hope to stand firm.
light rays in murky wood between heavy growth,
bestowing accidents of nature
with temporary divinity.
there lies the severed corpse so mossy green.
home to insects and small ambition,
head underwater, ambition lost.
giants arrive in their own time, to see.
bodies propelled by greater direction,
every cell a member of vast consortiums.
sentience bestows the fallen with ceremony.
on slaughts the panic avalanche,
pebbles can no longer hope to stand firm.
light rays in murky wood between heavy growth,
bestowing accidents of nature
with temporary divinity.
there lies the severed corpse so mossy green.
home to insects and small ambition,
head underwater, ambition lost.
giants arrive in their own time, to see.
bodies propelled by greater direction,
every cell a member of vast consortiums.
sentience bestows the fallen with ceremony.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
The Minitour
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pc0mxOXbWIU
This is something that should be repeated every time upon waking from sleep. For treatment purposes.
Anyway, most employers are now already familiar with Tourette Syndrome, a rare inherited neuropsychiatric condition that causes sufferers to express 'tics' in seemingly random fashion. HR departments already know that these 'tics' are not necessarily always profane. They know that if, say, a person had declared this syndrome during an interview, they cannot just 'count him/her out', citing that this person would disrupt the common working environment with expletives.
Everybody knows all this by now. What nobody knows is that I suffer from a milder variant of Tourette, as yet officially unnamed but typically referred to by the uninitiated human population as 'being an asshole'. I want to stray away from this crass term, however, and renomenclate [sic] my condition. I will name it the 'Mini-tour Syndrome'. This is a clever way to express that the condition is a *mild* variant of Tourette Syndrome, while bringing an aspect of Greek mythology into the bargain (Greek mythology is always important when injecting terms into language) in the form of a 'pun'. 'Mini-tour' is like 'Minotaur', a Greek mythology that comes in the form of a man with a cow's head, geddit?
Being a Minitour is always very difficult. Everybody accuses you of 'always taking the easiest way out', or that 'you do not *really* care about anything do you?'. We will focus on 'really caring' in a future lecture, because there are some very salient topics therein, but today I want to try and help organizations and companies understand Minitours from my perspective -- the perspective of actually being one. Let us start with a simple example: Philosophy.
Philosophy is just one of the subjects that properly illustrates a Minitour's predicament. Minitours have trouble remembering all the philosophers' names. You could say "Bertrand Russell" and the Minitour could very possibly get a picture of Jean-Paul Sartre in his/her head. Names are meaningless to Minitours. What is interesting, however, is that the philosphical concepts that come into the Minitour's mind are, in fact, those of Bertrand Russell, not Sartre. You can see how this translates to almost anything. So while the organization or company is trying to get the CEO's philosophy across to all employees, you may often find that the Minitour appears to deliberately sabotage everything. The Minitour stands up in the middle of the speech and shouts an expletive very loudly. He then sits down again, calmly waiting for the CEO to continue his speech. These days, of course, such impartings of corporate wisdom are usually not done through in-person elocution, but via advanced tools such as corporate or organization-wide email. The email may even have a sound-clip or video embedded *inside* it that plays the message. The Minitour syndrome's adaptation to this new feature would, for example, be to manipulate the soundclip or video (through freely available software), injecting his/her 'tic' into discreet frames, then mass-send this content, company or organization wide.
This also happens with movies, movie actors, pop-bands, various commercial products and flowers. Minitours easily confuse things like 'Inception' with 'The Matrix', or Leonardo Di Caprio with Matt Damon. They just, honestly, don't give a shit. I mean, they know what the experience is. They may not have a clue what Lady Gaga or Lindsay Lohan actually look like, but when you invoke these terms, they do have a sort of picture of what you are saying. Of course, their understanding of these things may very well not be the same as yours.
My - my handler is saying I have to go now. I'm sorry that I cannot entertain any of your questions tonight, but surely there will be some time later. If not, well, speak amongst yourselves. I just want to leave you with the thought that, as an HR resource in a company or organization, you should never strike a person from prospective employment just because he or she is a Minitour. This person may turn out to be extremely valuable to the company, above and beyond his/her common drone peers. I mean, come on. Who doesn't like 'Philosophy and movies night'? I hope that everything that I have said so far has convinced you. Th-they're dragging me away.
Yes, you, I love you too.
This is something that should be repeated every time upon waking from sleep. For treatment purposes.
Anyway, most employers are now already familiar with Tourette Syndrome, a rare inherited neuropsychiatric condition that causes sufferers to express 'tics' in seemingly random fashion. HR departments already know that these 'tics' are not necessarily always profane. They know that if, say, a person had declared this syndrome during an interview, they cannot just 'count him/her out', citing that this person would disrupt the common working environment with expletives.
Everybody knows all this by now. What nobody knows is that I suffer from a milder variant of Tourette, as yet officially unnamed but typically referred to by the uninitiated human population as 'being an asshole'. I want to stray away from this crass term, however, and renomenclate [sic] my condition. I will name it the 'Mini-tour Syndrome'. This is a clever way to express that the condition is a *mild* variant of Tourette Syndrome, while bringing an aspect of Greek mythology into the bargain (Greek mythology is always important when injecting terms into language) in the form of a 'pun'. 'Mini-tour' is like 'Minotaur', a Greek mythology that comes in the form of a man with a cow's head, geddit?
Being a Minitour is always very difficult. Everybody accuses you of 'always taking the easiest way out', or that 'you do not *really* care about anything do you?'. We will focus on 'really caring' in a future lecture, because there are some very salient topics therein, but today I want to try and help organizations and companies understand Minitours from my perspective -- the perspective of actually being one. Let us start with a simple example: Philosophy.
Philosophy is just one of the subjects that properly illustrates a Minitour's predicament. Minitours have trouble remembering all the philosophers' names. You could say "Bertrand Russell" and the Minitour could very possibly get a picture of Jean-Paul Sartre in his/her head. Names are meaningless to Minitours. What is interesting, however, is that the philosphical concepts that come into the Minitour's mind are, in fact, those of Bertrand Russell, not Sartre. You can see how this translates to almost anything. So while the organization or company is trying to get the CEO's philosophy across to all employees, you may often find that the Minitour appears to deliberately sabotage everything. The Minitour stands up in the middle of the speech and shouts an expletive very loudly. He then sits down again, calmly waiting for the CEO to continue his speech. These days, of course, such impartings of corporate wisdom are usually not done through in-person elocution, but via advanced tools such as corporate or organization-wide email. The email may even have a sound-clip or video embedded *inside* it that plays the message. The Minitour syndrome's adaptation to this new feature would, for example, be to manipulate the soundclip or video (through freely available software), injecting his/her 'tic' into discreet frames, then mass-send this content, company or organization wide.
This also happens with movies, movie actors, pop-bands, various commercial products and flowers. Minitours easily confuse things like 'Inception' with 'The Matrix', or Leonardo Di Caprio with Matt Damon. They just, honestly, don't give a shit. I mean, they know what the experience is. They may not have a clue what Lady Gaga or Lindsay Lohan actually look like, but when you invoke these terms, they do have a sort of picture of what you are saying. Of course, their understanding of these things may very well not be the same as yours.
My - my handler is saying I have to go now. I'm sorry that I cannot entertain any of your questions tonight, but surely there will be some time later. If not, well, speak amongst yourselves. I just want to leave you with the thought that, as an HR resource in a company or organization, you should never strike a person from prospective employment just because he or she is a Minitour. This person may turn out to be extremely valuable to the company, above and beyond his/her common drone peers. I mean, come on. Who doesn't like 'Philosophy and movies night'? I hope that everything that I have said so far has convinced you. Th-they're dragging me away.
Yes, you, I love you too.
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