Sunday, October 24, 2010

Homeland Security Keeps Asking Me Who I am Going To Be For Halloween

This is a record of voicemails to my personal cellphone account:

Anon: Hi there, I'm Homeland Security. Just wanted to check in and discover who you are going to try to be this Halloween.

Me: [disconnect]

Anon: Hello again. Like I said, I am the security of your Homeland. This geographic boundary you call a 'home', and protect from all those gawd-awful evil-doers out there. Before you disconnect me again, try and think how this is going to look when it goes public. Look, all we want to know is what costume you will be wearing this Halloween.

Me: I am going as Kimbo Slice.

HS: Weak. All you'd have to do is shave your head and grow a beard. Surely you had had thoughts about going as a Vorlon Ambassador?

Me: Surely I did have such thoughts. But then I realized I don't have enough people willing to fit such a costume over me for little or no compensation. I also sometimes have thoughts that I could be a person talking on a cellphone that gets a call from 'Homeland Security'. And that that is actually a way for entire populations to feel really secure.

HS: You have fallen into my trap.

Me: No, *you* are going to fall deep into *my* trap.

HS: No you will

Me: Fuck you and come back when you grow a respectable face.

HS: I'm telling the Fatherland!

Me: Are we on mauve alert yet?
The call gets disconnected here, because HS didn't pay enough bills to its pay-to-go service plan.

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