Saturday, October 22, 2011

Cheapest (in a true sense) Halloween Costume Ever

Jake found himself standing at a corner yet again in the party.

An attractive woman, by media standards, happened to stumble by with a tray of drinks, and went "Ooh!" when she caught sight of Jake's nose, which had been sticking out of the shadow of the corner.

"Oh shit..." said Jake, but it was too late. The drinks crashed to the floor, causing a small mess around his sneakers and the polished tips of her high-heels, but also a larger general discrepancy in terms of the *sound* that was going on in the whole apartment.

People began to look at them, and he pulled her into the corner with him. "It's better this way," he said, "I promise."

The atmosphere began to normalize in the room again. "Idiot!" she said, as quietly and irritatedly as she could. "You've ruined Halloween!"

He hadn't expected that. "What?" he said. "I just accidentally tripped you over, miss, it was just a sort of small joke, shenanigan with my nose. If it's that bad, I can go back there and refill your tray."

She just laughed. "No point now," she said. "See that guy there? That's who I was bringing the tray to. He asked me to bring it, and I went, filled up the drinks, and was going to be perfectly on time. He times us, you know? We call him the 'Time Lord' at the office." She shook her head. "Now I've ruined his Halloween."

"You wot?"

"Guy with a sad life like that, the one thing he enjoys is Halloween," she said. "Christmas party is too sedate for him. Halloween is the only time he gets to enjoy really seeing all the other people be totally crazy and different. And they all put the masks on, and they all have funny interactions with each other, and he watches and participates! And if he wants a bloody tray of drinks for him and his chums, bloody hell, he's going to have it!"

He looked down at the smashed pieces of glass at their feet. "Wow," was all he could say. "That is pretty creepy." He tried to smile.

This was when she noticed him. "Hey!" she said. "Where's your costume?"

"I'm wearing it," he replied.

"You're wearing a t-shirt and khakis." She gazed at him distastefully. "Pockets bulging with...I don't know what. I suppose you could be a mugger at the piers."

"A mugger?" he said.

"Yeah," she said, "Some guy that hangs near the docks, ready to just jump out and mug a dating couple."

"This coming from Chewbacca's poontang," he replied.

She took one step back from him, rubbing faux fur against her left shin. "Whatever. You suck. You come in here, no costume, and you ruin the flow of the music."

This made him a little angry. "What the hell," he said, loudly, "how do I ruin the music?"

She covered his face with her furry palms. "Shuttup, shuttup," she said. Then she pointed out, her arm drawing an arc across the entire living room, "Don't you see?" she said. "Don't you see that everything is going according to a rhythm?

Do you not see the mermaid over there, gently supported by her hubby?"

"Lol, that pregnant woman is supposed to be a mermaid? I thought it was a--"

"Shuttup," she said. "She is carrying the illusion."

"Illoo-oo-shion?" he said.

"And around them, there's the spider?", she pointed, "do you see that. See how that sea-spider guy is protecting the couple from anyone who may want to come in and break the mermaid's bond between her and her Sea God?"

"You see over there," he said, taking her hand and pointing it to the left, "how that Ice-Cream Cone is totally getting roofied by that CEO type fella with, for some reason, sheep pants?"

She let out a sharp laugh. "Oh you fool, that's just Sam and Jason. They're a couple too!"

"Sheesh," he said, slinking even deeper into his corner. "You think they over-did it?"

She looked at him again. His t-shirt and pants. "You really don't get it, do you? You're supposed to come to parties like this wearing a costume. It's part of the fun. You mix with people. You be somebody you would never be in real life."

"But what if what you real life...was spooky enough?" he said.

"Stupid," she gasped. "Ok, look. Wearing a t-shirt and standing in a dark corner like some thug is not exactly a costume, ok?"

"I'm not coming as a thug," he said, slowly stepping out.

"Oh yeah? Then what? Freaking Potsie from Happy Days? What's your costume?"

"I'm coming as Paranormal Activity 5," he said.

She burst out laughing, but just as she did, the music in the apartment stopped. Behind all the confusion and anger of the people, she heard this guy standing next to her sort of laugh, very quietly, and walk closer to her.

Then suddenly all the lights in the apartment went out, and as she turned her head, the last thing she saw was what looked like the chandelier breaking from the ceiling and falling on the mermaid.

(From the people who came dressed as a molotov cocktail in '04)

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